Why do I feel this way?

When someone we know dies, we feel all kinds of emotions. Sometimes, we might feel something that we didn't expect to feel, or the feeling may be so strong that we don't know how to cope.

Don't be alarmed. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Adults sometimes don't know how to feel in these situations either.

There are a lot of things you can do to help youself at this time.

The first thing is to allow yourself time to work through your emotions. Don't expect to feel better all at once and don't feel bad about being sad or angry or confused. Even though you will never forget or stop loving the person who has died, the feelings that go with the loss of a friend will fade over time.

Find someone you trust be it a parent, teacher, friend, counsellor or priest. It needs to be someone who you feel comfortable talking to and who you can really open up to. Don't be afraid to express your emotions - you have every right to feel whatever it is your feeling.

Some adults don't think that young people understand what is happening, or that young people's emotions are not the same as theirs. Just remember that your feelings are valid and you are entitled to the same care and attention as an adult.

So what happens when someone dies?

The honest answer for the second question is - no-one really knows. Some people believe in a heaven where the souls of the dead live on, others believe in re-incarnation where the dead people are reborn and live a new life. It may be that your family have a religious belief and that death is explained through those teachings or perhaps you are not religious at all and have no beliefs about an after life. Whatever the case, it is import for you to come to your own conclusions about this question. No-one can force you to think or agree with a particular view.

At a physical level, death is the complete shut down of the body and mind of a person. Their bodies and minds simply no longer work. Their heart will stop beating, they will stop breathing and their minds will stop thinking and feeling.

What happens at a funeral?

After someone has passed away, a funeral needs to ba arranged. You may belong to a religious group or culture that has certain rituals associated with a funeral, or you may employ a civil funeral director. In most cases, someone associated with the funeral service will come to the family of the person who has died to discuss the arrangements.

As mentioned before, certain religions and cultures have strong beliefs about funeral rituals and the people involved will be able to explain these things for you.

For a typical civil (non-religious) funeral, a funeral director will visit to learn more about the person who has died, how the family would like to funeral to progress and other arrangements. It may be that the person who has died made prior arrangements, particularly if they had been sick, or it may be left entirely to the family to make all the decisions.

This is not an easy time. Don't be afraid to show your emotions and to have some input into how things should run.

The funeral itself will depend on what has been arranged. It may take place in a church or place of worship or it may be in a funeral home, cemetery or garden.

At a typical civil funeral, people will be asked if they wish to say anything about the person who has died. Usually people will talk about memories they have of the person, fun times that were shared and family moments. If you wish to speak at this time you have every right to do so. A funeral is the time to say goodbye to the person who has died and to share your grief with other friends and family members.

It is possible that there will be an open casket as a funeral. This means that the coffin will be open so that the friends and family of the person who has died have an opportunity to see the body and say goodbye directly to the person who has died. You need to discuss your feelings about this with your family and the funeral director. Just because there is an open casket, doesn't mean you have to view the body - it is up to you to do what you are comfortable with.

Quite often after a funeral, there is a wake - a gathering of friends and family in a more informal setting than the funeral. This can be a time to reflect on the life of the person who has died, support those close to that person and enjoy the company of family and friends.

During this time, it is possible that friends and family will visit those closest the the person who has died. It can get a bit overwhelming at times and can seem annoying to have people constantly coming and going. Remember that they are also grieving and you need to show them some compassion. Just as your are entitled to have strong emotions, so are other people who are close to you.

Don't expect your grief to end after the funeral or the wake. While these events are opportunities to say goodbye, no-one expects that your emotions will end here.

What's the difference between a cremation and a burial?

After a person dies, someone needs to decide whether to have the body cremated or buried. It may be that the person had pre-arranged this, or that they had spoken to their family about their wishes.

A cremation is when, after the funeral, the body and coffin is placed in a cremator and burned. Usually, after a cremation, the ashed of the body and coffin are given to the family who may choose to keep them, or scatter them in a special place. In most cases, a memorial plaque is erected in a special area of a cemetary, funeral home or memorial gardens. The cremation usually takes place within 24 hours of the funeral. Friends and family members are entitled to witness the coffin being placed in the crematorium.

A burial is when the body is bruied in a grave. This normally occurs in a cemetery, but some memorial gardens have burial sites also. Usually part of the funeral service is held at the burial site and the coffin is lowered into the grave. Family and friends are invited to place dirt, flowers or mementos in the grave after the coffin has been lowered as a way of saying goodbye to the person who has died.

I'm still not sure what to expect!

There as lots of people that you can ask for help.

As mentioned before, try to find someone you can talk to.
Don't be afraid to ask questions, even if you think they are silly or yucky.
Ask the funeral director for some information about what will happen at the funeral - don't be afraid to put your opinion forward.

Check out the Support Services & Materials page. There are some groups listed here who you can talk to and some books you may find helpful to read.

Check out the Yellow Pages (Australia) for support services in your area.

(The information for this page came from pamphlets and booklets available from most civil funeral houses).